Not a melodramatic post

I know i have been sounding melodramatic lately. So this time, when i decided to blog i made a mental promise that it has to be light. Well, despite the hustles , i do get one or few moments of delight be it in school or my surroundings. Currently i'm living in Endau, an area which is notorious for state-exiled criminals. Indians are rare species here and in my 2 months stay i have seen only 4 Indians (all teachers). May be that is the reason for the weird look i have been getting lately. Only two types of Indians are here; either professionals (90% has to be teachers) or criminals. My first week here, i received very cold stare from people for no apparent reason (may be i looked like a criminal too ;p). Then, the following week, people has started smiling and nodding heads and initiating conversations. Now wherever i go, i hear "Hi, cikgu" from kids to aunties. At times, it feels like you are a celebrity. Even, as i stop by after school to get stuffs with my name tag, i hear the whispers "Lau se" (teacher). It feels funny sometimes when i get discount.

On a different note, i am having a lot of lighter moments in my class thanks to the mischievous boys. The other day, i was teaching them a poem and noticed a boy was not paying attention. I called his name and asked him "why were the parents looking for their son" (the answer :because they love him). That particular student was so startled that he answered "because i love you, teacher". The whole class burst into laughter and needless to say i could not help myself but teasing him ever since. The same student was once verbally abusing his friend in my class. When i called him to offer explain, he coolly said "Don't trust him teacher. He is a fire rock". For a moment i was stunned at his linguistic repertoire , thinking i have never encountered the fire-rock phrase in my life. When i asked him what he meant, he said " ala cikgu..batu api la". LOL. Sometimes i just love being with my students despite their mischievousness and laziness.

Heartache

Life is getting harder day by day. I am scared to wake up in the morning fearing what might be in store for me. I cannot remember the last time i ever felt happy and laughed my heart out without worrying about the next day. Something must be terribly wrong for i have been rubbing people the wrong way. That was not intended but i have no control over things ready. Depending on people's kindness and sympathy is killing me softly. As my brother said, i might start looking at life as grey at times than seeing it as rather black and white. I might feel funny for writing this post but i need to vent it out. I cannot write in elaboration on what happened today but i should say it pushed me off my limits and i am broken into pieces. My little shoulders cannot bear this weight; my little heart cannot stand this aching anymore. I am vulnerable but past couple of weeks i have become too fragile. I trusted You completely and pawned my life trusting Your words that everything happens for a reason. Now, i am yet to see the reason and i hope i will someday. Sometimes especially today i wonder at the power of words. How they can crush you! How they can slap on your faces without lifting the hand. But i know this is just temporarily. Someday will come for me when i will walk free, my chin up, feeling accomplished but the bad news is that i have to live with these things till THE day arrives.

A Baggage in My Heart

“Life is a box of chocolates. You never know what you gonna get” (Forrest Gump). How true is that, I wonder. Until a few months ago I was a carefree girl. Nothing much to worry about as everything was taken care for me. Yes, I had been far from home ever since I finished high school. It’s true that I was abroad for 2 years which forced me to take full responsibility of my life. But still, I did not worry much about anything as my sponsors had taken care of everything from my accommodation to my daily allowance. But when I stepped out of home to venture into the working world, I broke into pieces. Never in my life have I worried this much. I could not sleep, could not breath as there was an immense baggage pressing me. For someone who had lived most of my live in the comfort of her parents, siblings and friends, settling down all alone was a terrifying experience. It’s still is.

The moment I came to know that I had been posted to Rompin, Pahang. I was nervous but at the same time excited. I have always had this dream of having a house for myself, cooking on my own, and running a household on my own. I have always felt that it makes me a strong person which i yearn to be. So, glimpses of my ideal life was peeking through, when I got my offer letter. May be this is THE moment, I thought. But the very moment, I stepped my feet in my school, I realised life is no bed of roses. The town is 15 minutes away from the school but it did not disappoint me because I was prepared for it. But being there without an accommodation? That was never in my mind! When the principal told me to sit in the office while she arranged for a place for me to stay, I felt the world collapsed. My parents and I came to the school, trusting the education officer’s words that accommodation had been arranged. I felt hopeless sitting in front of the teacher while she made endless calls to so many teachers to give me a roof to stay. My parents were practically breaking and I had no words to mollify them. Eventually, it was decided for me to squat with a warden for a few days while I sort out my accommodation on my own. Eventually, my mum broke down leaving her daughter without a proper place. Though, I share a very close rapport with my dad, he had always maintained the-less-emotional-stronger-on-the –outside personality. Be it when he left me in hostel for the first time or when he bid me goodbye in the airport, he had always maintained his composure. But on that day, for the first time in so many years, he hugged me and kissed me and could not say a word. Putting up a brave front and pacifying them saying I’ll handle everything single handed was not easy at all.

And believe me, squatting with someone was not easy either. I could not go back home though I finish early as I had to wait for the other teacher to finish her class. Once I was stranded outside of the house for more than 15 minutes at night in the cold monsoon wind and knocked till my knuckles went wary in vain. After God-knows-how-long she opened the door saying she was on phone and could not open the door! I think my whole life, I have never cried like I did on my first week in the school. I had to handle my own baggage of problems and at the same time putting up a fake front as though I was coping well with everything around me when my dear ones call.

The only revelation is that God sent me two Indian teachers who are real gems. I owe them so much in my life. Up to this moment I am still receiving from them and it does not feel good to be at the receiving end without giving anything. These two kind souls brought me around the school and introduced me to the other staffs. They pep talked me to clear the doubts clouding my mind; they cooked for me to enable me stay sincere to the vegetarian diet I was following. Everyday after school, they’ll drive me around looking for houses. Eventually, when I was desperate and had to evacuate the hostel, I remember the teacher driving me around till night to get me a place to stay. Eventually, God’s Grace or should I say her determination, I finally found a room to stay. Though, I was looking for a house and now all I can do is just be happy with the room that I have got. Not enough with that, the two teachers are taking turn to drive to and from school and as much I am overwhelmed, I am pained too. Sometimes life appears to be a puzzle that I could never solve. At this moment, I am uncertain about my life tomorrow. One thing I learned amidst all these hardships, is that a plan might forever stay a plan because man plans and God decides. I surrender and now I am just a leave which flies to the direction the wind blows. So I am flying…